Antonia Murguia arrived at Texas A&M University-San Antonio with her poems and binders in hand. She walked to the foyer of the Madla Building and laid out her works of creativity for people to read on a table next to mental health organizations also setting up for visitors.
She was ready to tell her story Sept. 12 about her son Andrew “Rodan” Murguia. She gathered her courage and spoke with students and faculty about the importance of mental health when the world feels heavy on one’s shoulders. Through written examples of her own experiences, she spoke on the grief of losing a child to suicide.
The Office of Student Counseling & Wellness Services held events on campus during National Suicide Prevention Week, which ran Sept. 9-15. Each day held opportunities for students and faculty to learn about the importance of mental health.
She wrote 100 poems after his death, and she shared two that day. An excerpt from the poem “My Andrew” mentions the pain of her loss:
He did it, went through that other door, how could he?
I should of had the conversation, I was, but I was too late,
and I, my family, his friends, even strangers he brought a smile to,
are filled with unspent love that makes us hurt,
because we want to give him our love.
Students and community leaders listened to her solemnly read. Among the audience, Kathy Franklin, secretary treasurer of the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), listened to Murguia’s words.
“The DBSA has existed as a national organization for over 30 years. We are a non-profit support group made of peers who help each other out,” Franklin said. “We have weekly meetings and group outings like going to the movies for people who need mental health support.”
Another member of the audience and of the Survivors of Loved Ones’ Suicides (SOLOS) group, Mary Ann Garcia held a picture of her son Jonathan as she listened to the poem.
“There’s somebody out there to help everyone, but you have to have that courage to ask for help. If you don’t ask for help, you’re gonna end up like Andrew. Understand that you are not alone in the world. You are surrounded by people, and these people love you. If you have a family that doesn’t love you, you still have friends. You have teachers. You have people at church. People you hang out with…those people care for you. Those who do acts of kindness…that’s like love to me,” Murguia said as she explained her history with suicide awareness.
“I’m a member of the AFSP…except that I wanted to do my own story because I haven’t heard the devastation that a family goes through when a family member takes his life or her life,” Murguia said when asked about her experience with grief.
The American Foundation of Suicide Preventions provides statistics on suicide in the United States. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for all ages in the United States. Each year 44,965 Americans die by suicide and men are 3.53 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
Antonia Murguia trained through the AFSP’s Talks Save Lives program, where teens and adults attend presentations that cover the general scope of suicide, the research on prevention, and what people can do to fight suicide, according to the AFSP site.
The goal of the AFSP is to lessen the suicide rate by at least 20 percent by the year 2025. In San Antonio, a chapter of the organization has existed for 4 years and Antonia Murguia, 63, joined the foundation to raise awareness after the death of her son.
Joining the AFSP gave her a desire to share her family’s story about their loss. One of her goals is to become a public advocate for suicide awareness.
Some months before National Suicide Prevention Week, she planned on visiting other universities in the city to see if they’d be interested in having her speak. She didn’t receive an answer from most of them, and the only university who reached out to her first rather than having her call was Texas A&M–San Antonio, she said.
“The loss does not leave you, it is there forever. And the beginning, it is intense. You can’t work, you can’t cook, you can’t eat, you can’t go to your job. You can’t do anything. You are literally in a fog of disbelief…of hurt…you can’t make sense of anything,” Murguia said.
Dec. 20, 2011 was the day Andrew died. He was 26-years-old.
“I had been praying and praying and asking God to please help my son because I knew something was going on, and I had decided I would speak to him,” Murgia said. But it was near Christmas, and I had gone shopping. And Andrew called me and he said, ‘Are we gonna have that little Christmas party to make gingerbread houses?’”
“I said, ‘Ay, mijo. Not right now. When do you want?’”
“…and I know he was disappointed, but at the same time I was tired. And that’s the moment I regret…I should’ve just stopped and go to him and talk to him then. He hung up. He remembered it was the 20th. That’s the day he planned to take his life.”
“I don’t know why he decided to do that…When we had his rosary, it was so full that people were standing. Andrew didn’t even realize how many people loved him. One of the things I blame myself is that I was always doing something. I think he didn’t want to upset me…you miss him so much. There’s days that I just want a hug. Can I just have a hug? Can I pretend like I can feel him? And I think of that last picture. We had just bought him a Christmas tree, and I remember that hug. And sometimes I think, one day, I’m not gonna remember his hug. And then where am I left?”
Four years after her son’s passing, Antonia Murguia and her family participated in the Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention at the Nelson Wolff Municipal Stadium, sponsored by the AFSP. There, she met families and loved ones of those who committed suicide.
Since her first walk, Murguia pushed herself to continue conversations about her son’s death either through poetry or public speaking.
Antonia Murguia is currently working on a book filled with the collection of her poems and a YouTube channel where she can continue her mission about sharing a family’s experience with suicide. Visit Antonia Murguia’s website for a sample collection and check out the mental health resources in the city.
